control
to
trust
fear
to
faith
comfort
to
courage
the
change
that
breaks
us...
the
change
that
molds
us...
the
change
that
sets
us
free.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Sunday, October 10, 2010
reckless trust
I feel
like I need to let go
of so much that I am
holding on to
to surrender all
and sit at your feet
give me the strength
to survive on
you alone
give me the courage
to go where you
call me
I long to trust you
recklessly
like I need to let go
of so much that I am
holding on to
to surrender all
and sit at your feet
give me the strength
to survive on
you alone
give me the courage
to go where you
call me
I long to trust you
recklessly
Biggest ramble...possibly ever?
Well, I'm taking a break from the whole poetry thing...theres been so much going on in my life lately that I really just want to write it all out plain and simple. Oh, where to begin! I am in danger of rambling, read at your own peril!
My sister recently gave birth to the most precious and beautiful baby I've ever seen (though I miiiiight be biased :P) and Ella (the baby) has effectively turned our lives upside down. I was sick while my sister was in labour and was thus unable to be at the hospital. I didn't meet my niece until 3 days later and everyone else had already met her. On top of that, nobody told me she was coming home (actually they told me that she wasn't coming!) so when I came home last sunday I was very surprised to see my sister! I think I must've been in shock, because when I held Ella..I couldn't believe it and felt like my heart would burst with amazement (needless to say I cried!). She truly is beautiful! She steals time though haha...I could hold her all day (and I do!) and consequently I normally don't get in anything else productive ;)!
I was timid to hold her as she seemed very breakable, but I've learned that I don't need to be so hesitant.
I was singing to her while she was sleeping the other day-and she started smiling! Babies are amazing and, it goes without saying, hard work! But undeniably worth it.
You steal the sun
and it shows in your smile
you steal the stars
and they shine in your eyes
you're like a flower
thats waiting to bloom
we will protect you
as you unfurl your
wings
(couldn't resist :D)
My father also discovered that he had a tumor on his bladder. It was a rocky time as we didn't know if he had cancer, and weren't able to know until he went into for surgery and had it removed. By the grace of God his surgery went well and his tumor was not cancerous. It was a tough time for my dad regardless though.
In other news, I'm in grade 12. I know-it's crazy! I don't believe it.
I actually have to figure out my future. I feel like its not entirely fair that we have to choose our life away so quickly. Although I knew I would have to decide on what to do after highschool, I naively thought, haha or stupidly thought, that I wouldn't have to choose until near the end of the year! But, unfortunately I have to choose within the next 2 months!!!!!!!
And, I don't feel particularily pulled in any direction. I know in the core of my being that I need to do something that involves directly working with, loving, serving, and caring for women and children. The problem is that there is so many ways I could do that, and I need to pick one.
I've always been considering nursing-but because I chickened out of 4U Chemistry, my only option is to do 2 years of practical nursing at Mohawk, and then bridge into the nursing degree program at Mcmaster for three years (so a total of 5 years). I don't really have a problem with that, except that I'm not sure if thats what I should do.
I am also very interested in Peace and Conflict Studies, Human Rights, Asian Studies, and learning other languages etc. The University of Ottawa, besides having the awesome city as a major pull factor-has a really cool Human Rights-ish program.
Urgh, I don't know. I just want to serve and love. Do I need a university degree to do that?
Not to mention, I've found myself in a really tight financial situation.
Near the end of the summer I got a job at Wendy's. I got the job because my mom had been really pressuring me to get a job. Although my summer was generally okay, it was definetly a time where God was molding me. I'm not sure if He succeeded (which would not be His fault!) but the commandment "Honour your mother and father" was a huge struggle for me, and something that strengthened my faith greatly.
At the beginning of the summer, I didn't have a job,and consequently spent a lot of time at home.
(Although I did apply for jobs at the beginning, I didn't get a call until August.) I really wanted to use my summer in an intentional way to build relationships with my friends (particularily from youth group because I knew thats where I would be investing my time) and deepen my intimacy with Christ. I asked God to use my summer towards this end. I started to spend time with God every day, but felt particularily convicted to actually take Jesus' words seriously. I felt, I suppose, that I needed to not take obedience lightly.
I guess it bothered my mom that I was spending time at home without having a job, so she began pressuring me to get one while making me do work at home. She wanted me to clean every day while she was at work, so she could come home to a clean house. I admit that it was a real struggle for me- I felt like she was being unfair and unreasonable...and it was hard for me to keep a good attitude. I wanted to honour God but when the actual time came, I often did not do so. I would clean most of the house, only to have my mom come home and not only not awknowledge my work, but also demand more. Two weeks before my moms 50th birthday party, she gave me a list of housework that she wanted done by then. It was about 19 hours of work (by my calculations) and involved things like washing all the baseboards, cleaning out the cupboards, vacuuming and washing all the floors, organizng the fridges, scrubbing out the cupboards etc. I had a really hard time with that. And whether I was in the wrong or not, I cried a lot and didn't have a good attitude.
But even so, I felt a really strong sense that God wanted me to submit and obey, and I did my best in His strength to do so. Eventually I was saved from doing all that work because I recieved a call from Wendys.
I really did not want to take the job as it was the end of the summer and I hadn't been planing on working during the school year, but I didn't want things to continue on at home as they were either. So i took it.
The people and managers were awesome-the first time I've actually felt cared about by a manager, but working til 11 on school nights was killing me. I don't know if I am weak or lazy or what, but the next day I was always so drained-sometimes to the point where my hands would shake and I couldn't really function!
I knew I needed to quit if I wanted my marks to be good enough for scholarships, but I was weary of my parents. I prayed about it and sought advice from wise friends, and decided to write out a proposal to my parents on why I needed to quit, and how I could still pay them back the money I owed them (600$) through giving them a portion of the money I would make tutoring a friend of mine once a week until next June. Although they gave me permission to quit, they also decided that they wanted me to pay back the money I owed them as soon as possible. This meant that although I could quit my job, I would have no money whatsover for about 4 or 5 months.
I wanted to honour both my parents and God, and my role as a student, so I agreed. I figured that most of my needs would be met by my parents, and that I could live without money for a while.
Then my stepdad discovered that he had been accidentally putting 100$ into my account every few months or so for years. I had no idea, and had three jobs over the time I had the account so I always assumed the money in my account was mine.
Even though I didn't do anything wrong, my parents decided that because of that they would no longer pay for anything for me-even if related to school. I have no idea how I am going to pay for applying to university..or university for that matter...or anything! I won't be able to attend youth events or school trips that require money.
Even so, I am trusting that God will provide. And I also wonder if I'm being selfish and greedy in thinking that this is unfair. Eitherway, I know that my God is faithful and that in all this He has a purpose.
In defence of my parents though-things are tight for them finanically as well.
My real father was laid off and is just scraping by and will probably have to sell his house, my stepdad has put more money into his buisness than we actually have, and my mom is the only one bringing in money. In an nutshell, we are in debt.
I feel really unsure of my future as I have no real idea of where I am headed.
But I am sure of my God that loves me and that has good and perfect plans for my life.
I want to love and serve Him no matter what my circumstances are.
In times of doubt I will cling to His promises.
This is an entirely too long blog post..but it happened :P!
My sister recently gave birth to the most precious and beautiful baby I've ever seen (though I miiiiight be biased :P) and Ella (the baby) has effectively turned our lives upside down. I was sick while my sister was in labour and was thus unable to be at the hospital. I didn't meet my niece until 3 days later and everyone else had already met her. On top of that, nobody told me she was coming home (actually they told me that she wasn't coming!) so when I came home last sunday I was very surprised to see my sister! I think I must've been in shock, because when I held Ella..I couldn't believe it and felt like my heart would burst with amazement (needless to say I cried!). She truly is beautiful! She steals time though haha...I could hold her all day (and I do!) and consequently I normally don't get in anything else productive ;)!
I was timid to hold her as she seemed very breakable, but I've learned that I don't need to be so hesitant.
I was singing to her while she was sleeping the other day-and she started smiling! Babies are amazing and, it goes without saying, hard work! But undeniably worth it.
You steal the sun
and it shows in your smile
you steal the stars
and they shine in your eyes
you're like a flower
thats waiting to bloom
we will protect you
as you unfurl your
wings
(couldn't resist :D)
My father also discovered that he had a tumor on his bladder. It was a rocky time as we didn't know if he had cancer, and weren't able to know until he went into for surgery and had it removed. By the grace of God his surgery went well and his tumor was not cancerous. It was a tough time for my dad regardless though.
In other news, I'm in grade 12. I know-it's crazy! I don't believe it.
I actually have to figure out my future. I feel like its not entirely fair that we have to choose our life away so quickly. Although I knew I would have to decide on what to do after highschool, I naively thought, haha or stupidly thought, that I wouldn't have to choose until near the end of the year! But, unfortunately I have to choose within the next 2 months!!!!!!!
And, I don't feel particularily pulled in any direction. I know in the core of my being that I need to do something that involves directly working with, loving, serving, and caring for women and children. The problem is that there is so many ways I could do that, and I need to pick one.
I've always been considering nursing-but because I chickened out of 4U Chemistry, my only option is to do 2 years of practical nursing at Mohawk, and then bridge into the nursing degree program at Mcmaster for three years (so a total of 5 years). I don't really have a problem with that, except that I'm not sure if thats what I should do.
I am also very interested in Peace and Conflict Studies, Human Rights, Asian Studies, and learning other languages etc. The University of Ottawa, besides having the awesome city as a major pull factor-has a really cool Human Rights-ish program.
Urgh, I don't know. I just want to serve and love. Do I need a university degree to do that?
Not to mention, I've found myself in a really tight financial situation.
Near the end of the summer I got a job at Wendy's. I got the job because my mom had been really pressuring me to get a job. Although my summer was generally okay, it was definetly a time where God was molding me. I'm not sure if He succeeded (which would not be His fault!) but the commandment "Honour your mother and father" was a huge struggle for me, and something that strengthened my faith greatly.
At the beginning of the summer, I didn't have a job,and consequently spent a lot of time at home.
(Although I did apply for jobs at the beginning, I didn't get a call until August.) I really wanted to use my summer in an intentional way to build relationships with my friends (particularily from youth group because I knew thats where I would be investing my time) and deepen my intimacy with Christ. I asked God to use my summer towards this end. I started to spend time with God every day, but felt particularily convicted to actually take Jesus' words seriously. I felt, I suppose, that I needed to not take obedience lightly.
I guess it bothered my mom that I was spending time at home without having a job, so she began pressuring me to get one while making me do work at home. She wanted me to clean every day while she was at work, so she could come home to a clean house. I admit that it was a real struggle for me- I felt like she was being unfair and unreasonable...and it was hard for me to keep a good attitude. I wanted to honour God but when the actual time came, I often did not do so. I would clean most of the house, only to have my mom come home and not only not awknowledge my work, but also demand more. Two weeks before my moms 50th birthday party, she gave me a list of housework that she wanted done by then. It was about 19 hours of work (by my calculations) and involved things like washing all the baseboards, cleaning out the cupboards, vacuuming and washing all the floors, organizng the fridges, scrubbing out the cupboards etc. I had a really hard time with that. And whether I was in the wrong or not, I cried a lot and didn't have a good attitude.
But even so, I felt a really strong sense that God wanted me to submit and obey, and I did my best in His strength to do so. Eventually I was saved from doing all that work because I recieved a call from Wendys.
I really did not want to take the job as it was the end of the summer and I hadn't been planing on working during the school year, but I didn't want things to continue on at home as they were either. So i took it.
The people and managers were awesome-the first time I've actually felt cared about by a manager, but working til 11 on school nights was killing me. I don't know if I am weak or lazy or what, but the next day I was always so drained-sometimes to the point where my hands would shake and I couldn't really function!
I knew I needed to quit if I wanted my marks to be good enough for scholarships, but I was weary of my parents. I prayed about it and sought advice from wise friends, and decided to write out a proposal to my parents on why I needed to quit, and how I could still pay them back the money I owed them (600$) through giving them a portion of the money I would make tutoring a friend of mine once a week until next June. Although they gave me permission to quit, they also decided that they wanted me to pay back the money I owed them as soon as possible. This meant that although I could quit my job, I would have no money whatsover for about 4 or 5 months.
I wanted to honour both my parents and God, and my role as a student, so I agreed. I figured that most of my needs would be met by my parents, and that I could live without money for a while.
Then my stepdad discovered that he had been accidentally putting 100$ into my account every few months or so for years. I had no idea, and had three jobs over the time I had the account so I always assumed the money in my account was mine.
Even though I didn't do anything wrong, my parents decided that because of that they would no longer pay for anything for me-even if related to school. I have no idea how I am going to pay for applying to university..or university for that matter...or anything! I won't be able to attend youth events or school trips that require money.
Even so, I am trusting that God will provide. And I also wonder if I'm being selfish and greedy in thinking that this is unfair. Eitherway, I know that my God is faithful and that in all this He has a purpose.
In defence of my parents though-things are tight for them finanically as well.
My real father was laid off and is just scraping by and will probably have to sell his house, my stepdad has put more money into his buisness than we actually have, and my mom is the only one bringing in money. In an nutshell, we are in debt.
I feel really unsure of my future as I have no real idea of where I am headed.
But I am sure of my God that loves me and that has good and perfect plans for my life.
I want to love and serve Him no matter what my circumstances are.
In times of doubt I will cling to His promises.
This is an entirely too long blog post..but it happened :P!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
ella
breathe in
breathe out
you are soft like a cloud
precious as a pearl
perfect as can be
tiny and gentle
reach out
with a small hand
to the world outside
we are there
we love you
breathe in
breathe out
and sleep
breathe out
you are soft like a cloud
precious as a pearl
perfect as can be
tiny and gentle
reach out
with a small hand
to the world outside
we are there
we love you
breathe in
breathe out
and sleep
Thursday, September 23, 2010
love in the hard places
even in the deserts
flowers bloom
a little water
a little sun
you only need
one flower
for more
to spring up
and dance
in the wind
sow a seed
and
love
beauty grows
even in
the most
unrelenting places
flowers bloom
a little water
a little sun
you only need
one flower
for more
to spring up
and dance
in the wind
sow a seed
and
love
beauty grows
even in
the most
unrelenting places
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
light in the dark
when the lights go out
its dark
inside
and yet,
outside
the stars
seem to shine
so much
brighter.
its dark
inside
and yet,
outside
the stars
seem to shine
so much
brighter.
Monday, September 13, 2010
favorite
I look out
at everything
growing so wild
and faithfully beneath
the sky
and wonder
why we are the one
terrible
part of creation
privileged
to refuse our flowering
- David Whyte
"The Sun"
at everything
growing so wild
and faithfully beneath
the sky
and wonder
why we are the one
terrible
part of creation
privileged
to refuse our flowering
- David Whyte
"The Sun"
Sunday, September 12, 2010
invisible chains
in a dim room
you wait
you know what is to come
its happened too many times
to count
the days and nights blur together
no escape
no hope
a little boy with curly hair
he calls you "mama,"
he runs across the dirt floor
into your open arms
you hold his thin body
a breath before the storm
the darkness presses in
you feel the marks and pain
but
you don't see your naked body
memories flash before
your tired eyes
you tell him
"I'll be back"
working far away
is a small price to pay
for his life
a small price to pay
for hope
they promised
us a better life
resigned to your fate
empty and numb
you no longer feel
anything
as
heavy footsteps echo nearer
and you break your face
into a weary smile
you knew you would be working
but
not like this
not this way
you are paraded and priced
a human with a tag
measured and humiliated
beaten and raped
the door creaks open
you scream and fight until they break you
you're blinded by the sudden stream of light
heavy footsteps approach your dirty mattress
they show you a
recent picture of your son
all plans for escape are forgotten
you press inside yourself,
you clear your mind,
you harden your heart
you tear your soul,
you are forgotten,
worthless,
something to be used
and tossed,
traumatized
and empty
you are only nineteen
but you feel as if you've lived
a thousand endless years
as you look up into the eyes
of one of the countless number of
men that will
rape you
you smile and beckon
you have to
"I will," He whispers.
you wait
you know what is to come
its happened too many times
to count
the days and nights blur together
no escape
no hope
a little boy with curly hair
he calls you "mama,"
he runs across the dirt floor
into your open arms
you hold his thin body
a breath before the storm
the darkness presses in
you feel the marks and pain
but
you don't see your naked body
memories flash before
your tired eyes
you tell him
"I'll be back"
working far away
is a small price to pay
for his life
a small price to pay
for hope
they promised
us a better life
resigned to your fate
empty and numb
you no longer feel
anything
as
heavy footsteps echo nearer
and you break your face
into a weary smile
you knew you would be working
but
not like this
not this way
you are paraded and priced
a human with a tag
measured and humiliated
beaten and raped
the door creaks open
you scream and fight until they break you
you're blinded by the sudden stream of light
heavy footsteps approach your dirty mattress
they show you a
recent picture of your son
all plans for escape are forgotten
you press inside yourself,
you clear your mind,
you harden your heart
you tear your soul,
you are forgotten,
worthless,
something to be used
and tossed,
traumatized
and empty
you are only nineteen
but you feel as if you've lived
a thousand endless years
as you look up into the eyes
of one of the countless number of
men that will
rape you
you smile and beckon
you have to
who will set you free?
who will heal you?
who will fix the damage that has been done?who will love you?
who will break your invisible chains?
"I will," He whispers.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
who am I
I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe that I can have an intimate relationship with God that overflows into every aspect of my life, every decision, every thought, and every action. I believe that I am saved solely by the blood of Christ, and not by works. I also believe faith without works is dead. I believe in a God that loves unconditionally. I believe in a God that answers prayers. I believe in a God that cares for the broken. I believe in a God that is heartbroken when His children sin, and suffer. I believe in a God that is with us when we suffer, and when we are at peace. I believe that God can save my family, my city, my nation. I believe in a love that isn’t sentimental, but unyielding and powerful. I believe in being a servant to others. I believe in standing up for what I know is right. I believe that there is always hope. I believe that all things are possible through Christ. I believe in helping others, even to the point where I must make sacrifices, for my God made a sacrifice for me. I firmly believe that people, places, nations, families, and governments can be transformed by the power of God and His wonderful work in our hearts and communities. I believe in community, and being open and transparent with one another. I believe in bearing the suffering of others. I believe in laughter and conversations that break through the surface stuff. I believe that all people are children of God, and should be treated as such. I believe in being fearless and bold, but humble and gentle. I believe in youth, and their power to make a difference in the world. I believe in healing and miracles. I believe in prayer. I believe in worship-but also believe that worship takes many forms. I believe in heaven. I believe in hell. I believe in angels and demons. I believe in our victory in Christ. I believe in surrender. I believe in taking time to enjoy each moment and to truly live. I believe in balance. I believe in family and friends-and being real. I believe in being a faithful steward of everything that has been given to me.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
half across the globe
you sleep on cold, hard ground
innocent and broken
dirty hands and easy smile
you don't know how to read
you've never been to school
you've been hurt, used, exploited
you've known nothing else
do you know that you are loved?
half across the globe
your picture flashes on our screens
your pain exploited once again
in the hope of rescue
if it breaks our hearts, will we help you?
you're half across the globe
you're half across this town
you sleep on cold, hard ground
innocent and broken
dirty hands and easy smile
you don't know how to read
you've never been to school
you've been hurt, used, exploited
you've known nothing else
do you know that you are loved?
half across the globe
your picture flashes on our screens
your pain exploited once again
in the hope of rescue
if it breaks our hearts, will we help you?
you're half across the globe
you're half across this town
James 1:27
26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.
John 14:18
18I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
ill give you
all my buried treasure
all my dreams and hopes
everything I hold on to
[this is the time to change
this is the time to surrender
this is the time to let go]
ill open up my hands
& drop all these empty jars
to reach out to You
for a better hope
all my dreams and hopes
everything I hold on to
[this is the time to change
this is the time to surrender
this is the time to let go]
ill open up my hands
& drop all these empty jars
to reach out to You
for a better hope
journey
walking along this winding road
im blinded by the light
where am I headed?
who am I following?
the road is long and weary
the signposts seem obscured
this path leads into the unknown
where am I headed?
who am I following?
each step I take
I take in faith
though I can't see you
you lead me on this journey
im blinded by the light
where am I headed?
who am I following?
the road is long and weary
the signposts seem obscured
this path leads into the unknown
where am I headed?
who am I following?
each step I take
I take in faith
though I can't see you
you lead me on this journey
Friday, September 3, 2010
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