Hope

everything
will be
redeemed

last week, 

I learned some things

that I wish

I never knew. 

I wish that

this world was

already 

the way you 

are making it 

to be 

one day. 

Beautiful. 

Real

Perfect

(no evil

no tears

no pain 

no loneliness

no families

being torn apart)

until then, 

we can only wait.

I can only move forward

and trust

that you are stronger

then the things 

that make me

cry. 

Like all things, 

in this too, 

I will trust in you. 

Thank You, 

for being here. 

steady in your gaze of love

cleanse my heart and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love
wrap my sins in Your gossamer grace
strong as steel I'll trust your will
even when I'm weak and so afraid
I'll kneel before you
and accept the price
cleanse my mind and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love
you walked the path of calvary
you died and wreathed a crown of thorns
who am I that you bled for me?
a love so strong it broke our chains
a love so strong it saved even me
cleanse my soul and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love
increase my faith, increase my fear
increase my love and draw me near
guide my gaze to always be
forever locked on you, my King
cleanse my body and hold me close

steady in Your gaze of love.

brokenness

today,
I awoke
with a broken
heart

suddenly too
aware
of the broken
home
I live in

my parents
do not know Christ

my brothers
my sister
my friends
do not follow Christ

and I live like
this is not
a life or death
decision

Lord
my soul aches
because of You

Please,
continue to
replace this heart of
stone
with a heart of
flesh

Continue to
break my heart
for what
breaks
yours

I want
to see them healed
I want
to see them joyful
I want
to see them living
with a purpose
no longer like
lost sheep
with no
shepherd

no longer
broken
and
raging
and
fearful
and
lost

please,
awaken
them
from the
dust
and open
their eyes
to know
how
much they
need
you.

Lord,
help me
to
sow
a seed
even
when
the labour
is
hard
and
long

through You
everything
is possible
and

I will trust
in
you.

authentic

what is it about,
sharing our hearts
laughing at nothing
and everything
confiding our secrets
and deepest sins,
and giving advice
holding back our
tears
to wipe the tears of
each other,
and finding ourselves
healed in the process
to see past
the mask
and love regardless
knowing that
we are all broken
and in need of a
hug,
in need of
grace,
in need of
truth

what is it about
this
that points me
to
the all surpassing
 love
of Christ?

peace is,
your soft, gentle weight in my arms

joy is,
watching you smile as you sleep

love is,
this longing to see you grow strong

nerves

knots in my stomach
sweat on my palms
heart quickened
I feel so vulnerable
I feel so self-aware
with downcast eyes
I feel unable to
breathe

what will it take
for me
to be set free?
I hate this.

change

control
        to
          trust

fear
      to
         faith

comfort
          to
             courage
the
    change
             that
                  breaks
                           us...
 the
    change
              that
                  molds
                          us...

the
   change
            that
                 sets
                       us
                             
                              free.

reckless trust

I feel
like I need to let go
of so much that I am
holding on to
to surrender all
and sit at your feet
give me the strength
to survive on
you alone
give me the courage
to go where you
call me
I long to trust you
recklessly

Biggest ramble...possibly ever?

Well, I'm taking a break from the whole poetry thing...theres been so much going on in my life lately that I really just want to write it all out plain and simple. Oh, where to begin! I am in danger of rambling, read at your own peril!

My sister recently gave birth to the most precious and beautiful baby I've ever seen (though I miiiiight be biased :P) and Ella (the baby) has effectively turned our lives upside down. I was sick while my sister was in labour and was thus unable to be at the hospital. I didn't meet my niece until 3 days later and everyone else had already met her. On top of that, nobody told me she was coming home (actually they told me that she wasn't coming!) so when I came home last sunday I was very surprised to see my sister! I think I must've been in shock, because when I held Ella..I couldn't believe it and felt like my heart would burst with amazement (needless to say I cried!). She truly is beautiful! She steals time though haha...I could hold her all day (and I do!) and consequently I normally don't get in anything else productive ;)!

I was timid to hold her as she seemed very breakable, but I've learned  that I don't need to be so hesitant.
I was singing to her while she was sleeping the other day-and she started smiling! Babies are amazing and, it goes without saying, hard work! But undeniably worth it.

You steal the sun
and it shows in your smile
you steal the stars
and they shine in your eyes
you're like a flower
thats waiting to bloom
we will protect you
as you unfurl your
wings

(couldn't resist :D)

My father also discovered that he had a tumor on his bladder. It was a rocky time as we didn't know if he had cancer, and weren't able to know until he went into for surgery and had it removed. By the grace of God his surgery went well and his tumor was not cancerous. It was a tough time for my dad regardless though.

In other news, I'm in grade 12. I know-it's crazy! I don't believe it.
I actually have to figure out my future. I feel like its not entirely fair that we have to choose our life away so quickly. Although I knew I would have to decide on what to do after highschool, I naively thought, haha or stupidly thought, that I wouldn't have to choose until near the end of the year! But, unfortunately I have to choose within the next 2 months!!!!!!!

And, I don't feel particularily pulled in any direction. I know in the core of my being that I need to do something that involves directly working with, loving, serving, and caring for women and children. The problem is that there is so many ways I could do that, and I need to pick one.

I've always been considering nursing-but because I chickened out of 4U Chemistry, my only option is to do 2 years of practical nursing at Mohawk, and then bridge into the nursing degree program at Mcmaster for three years (so a total of 5 years). I don't really have a problem with that, except that I'm not sure if thats what I should do.

I am also very interested in Peace and Conflict Studies, Human Rights, Asian Studies, and learning other languages etc. The University of Ottawa, besides having the awesome city as a major pull factor-has a really cool Human Rights-ish program.

Urgh, I don't know. I just want to serve and love. Do I need a university degree to do that?

Not to mention, I've found myself in a really tight financial situation.

Near the end of the summer I got a job at Wendy's. I got the job because my mom had been really pressuring me to get a job. Although my summer was generally okay, it was definetly a time where God was molding me. I'm not sure if He succeeded (which would not be His fault!) but the commandment "Honour your mother and father" was a huge struggle for me, and something that strengthened my faith greatly.

At the beginning of the summer, I didn't have a job,and consequently spent a lot of time at home.
(Although I did apply for jobs at the beginning, I didn't get a call until August.) I really wanted to use my summer in an intentional way to build relationships with my friends (particularily from youth group because I knew thats where I would be investing my time) and deepen my intimacy with Christ. I asked God to use my summer towards this end. I started to spend time with God every day, but felt particularily convicted to actually take Jesus' words seriously. I felt, I suppose, that I needed to not take obedience lightly.

I guess it bothered my mom that I was spending time at home without having a job, so she began pressuring me to get one while making me do work at home. She wanted me to clean every day while she was at work, so she could come home to a clean house. I admit that it was a real struggle for me- I felt like she was being unfair and unreasonable...and it was hard for me to keep a good attitude. I wanted to honour God but when the actual time came, I often did not do so. I would clean most of the house, only to have my mom come home and not only not awknowledge my work, but also demand more. Two weeks before my moms 50th birthday party, she gave me a list of housework that she wanted done by then. It was about 19 hours of work (by my calculations) and involved things like washing all the baseboards, cleaning out the cupboards, vacuuming and washing all the floors, organizng the fridges, scrubbing out the cupboards etc. I had a really hard time with that. And whether I was in the wrong or not, I cried a lot and didn't have a good attitude.
But even so, I felt a really strong sense that God wanted me to submit and obey, and I did my best in His strength to do so. Eventually I was saved from doing all that work because I recieved a call from Wendys.
I really did not want to take the job as it was the end of the summer and I hadn't been planing on working during the school year, but I didn't want things to continue on at home as they were either. So i took it.

The people and managers were awesome-the first time I've actually felt cared about by a manager, but working til 11 on school nights was killing me. I don't know if I am weak or lazy or what, but the next day I was always so drained-sometimes to the point where my hands would shake and I couldn't really function!
I knew I needed to quit if I wanted my marks to be good enough for scholarships, but I was weary of my parents. I prayed about it and sought advice from wise friends, and decided to write out a proposal to my parents on why I needed to quit, and how I could still pay them  back the money I owed them (600$) through  giving them a portion of the money I would make tutoring a friend of mine once a week until next June. Although they gave me permission to quit, they also decided that they wanted me to pay back the money I owed them as soon as possible. This meant that although I could quit my job, I would have no money whatsover for about 4 or 5 months.

I wanted to honour both my parents and God, and my role as a student, so I agreed. I figured that most of my needs would be met by my parents, and that I could live without money for a while.

Then my stepdad discovered that he had been accidentally putting 100$ into my account every few months or so for years. I had no idea, and had three jobs over the time I had the account so I always assumed the money in my account was mine.

Even though I didn't do anything wrong, my parents decided that because of that they would no longer pay for anything for me-even if related to school. I have no idea how I am going to pay for applying to university..or university for that matter...or anything! I won't be able to attend youth events or school trips that require money.

Even so, I am trusting that God will provide. And I also wonder if I'm being selfish and greedy in thinking that this is unfair. Eitherway, I know that my God is faithful and that in all this He has a purpose.

In defence of my parents though-things are tight for them finanically as well.
My real father was laid off and is just scraping by and will probably have to sell his house, my stepdad has put more money into his buisness than we actually have, and my mom is the only one bringing in money. In an nutshell, we are in debt.

I feel really unsure of my future as I have no real idea of where I am headed.
But I am sure of my God that loves me and that has good and perfect plans for my life.
I want to love and serve Him no matter what my circumstances are.
In times of doubt I will cling to His promises.

This is an entirely too long blog post..but it happened :P!

as I look out
at the world
I observe
that love
is like a
tree
with branches
that stretch to the sky
and roots
that pierce the deep

the leaves begin
to fall
and winters
breath is cold

yet love remains

ella

breathe in
breathe out

you are soft like a cloud
precious as a pearl
perfect as can be
tiny and gentle

reach out
with a small hand
to the world outside
we are there
we love you

breathe in
breathe out

and sleep

love in the hard places

even in the deserts
flowers bloom
a little water
a little sun

you only need
one flower
for more
to spring up
and dance
in the wind

sow a seed
and
love

beauty grows
even in
the most
unrelenting places

equality

i

me

you

they

where

is the

distinction

that makes

one better

than the

other?

light in the dark

when the lights go out
its dark
inside
and yet,
outside
the stars
seem to shine
so much
brighter.

favorite

I look out
at everything
growing so wild
and faithfully beneath
the sky
and wonder
why we are the one
terrible
part of creation
privileged
to refuse our flowering

- David Whyte
"The Sun"

invisible chains

in a dim room
you wait
you know what is to come
its happened too many times
to count
the days and nights blur together
no escape
no hope

a little boy with curly hair
he calls you "mama,"
he runs across the dirt floor
into your open arms
you hold his thin body

a breath before the storm
the darkness presses in
you feel the marks and pain
but
you don't see your naked body
memories flash before
your tired eyes

you tell him
"I'll be back"
working far away
is a small price to pay
for his life
a small price to pay
for hope
they promised
us a better life

resigned to your fate
empty and numb
you no longer feel
anything
as
heavy footsteps echo nearer
and you break your face
into a weary smile

you knew you would be working
but
not like this
not this way
you are paraded and priced
a human with a tag
measured and humiliated
beaten and raped

the door creaks open

you scream and fight until they break you

you're blinded by the sudden stream of light
heavy footsteps approach your dirty mattress

they show you a
recent picture of your son
all plans for escape are forgotten

you press inside yourself,
you clear your mind,
you harden your heart
you tear your soul,


you are forgotten,
worthless,
something to be used
and tossed,
traumatized
and empty
you are only nineteen
but you feel as if you've lived
a thousand endless years

as you look up into the eyes
of one of the countless number of
men that will
rape you

you smile and beckon
you have to

who will set you free?
who will heal you?
who will fix the damage that has been done?

who will love you?

who will break your invisible chains?

"I will," He whispers.

who am I

I believe in God. I believe in Jesus. I believe in the Holy Spirit. I believe that I can have an intimate relationship with God that overflows into every aspect of my life, every decision, every thought, and every action. I believe that I am saved solely by the blood of Christ, and not by works. I also believe faith without works is dead. I believe in a God that loves unconditionally. I believe in a God that answers prayers. I believe in a God that cares for the broken. I believe in a God that is heartbroken when His children sin, and suffer. I believe in a God that is with us when we suffer, and when we are at peace. I believe that God can save my family, my city, my nation. I believe in a love that isn’t sentimental, but unyielding and powerful. I believe in being a servant to others. I believe in standing up for what I know is right. I believe that there is always hope. I believe that all things are possible through Christ. I believe in helping others, even to the point where I must make sacrifices, for my God made a sacrifice for me. I firmly believe that people, places, nations, families, and governments can be transformed by the power of God and His wonderful work in our hearts and communities. I believe in community, and being open and transparent with one another. I believe in bearing the suffering of others. I believe in laughter and conversations that break through the surface stuff. I believe that all people are children of God, and should be treated as such. I believe in being fearless and bold, but humble and gentle. I believe in youth, and their power to make a difference in the world. I believe in healing and miracles. I believe in prayer. I believe in worship-but also believe that worship takes many forms. I believe in heaven. I believe in hell. I believe in angels and demons. I believe in our victory in Christ. I believe in surrender. I believe in taking time to enjoy each moment and to truly live. I believe in balance. I believe in family and friends-and being real. I believe in being a faithful steward of everything that has been given to me.

half across the globe
you sleep on cold, hard ground
innocent and broken
dirty hands and easy smile

you don't know how to read
you've never been to school
you've been hurt, used, exploited
you've known nothing else

do you know that you are loved?

half across the globe
your picture flashes on our screens
your pain exploited once again
in the hope of rescue

if it breaks our hearts, will we help you?

you're half across the globe
you're half across this town

James 1:27

26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.

John 14:18
18I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

ill give you

all my buried treasure
all my dreams and hopes
everything I hold on to

[this is the time to change
this is the time to surrender
this is the time to let go]

ill open up my hands
& drop all these empty jars

to reach out to You

for a better hope

journey

walking along this winding road
im blinded by the light
where am I headed?
who am I following?

the road is long and weary
the signposts seem obscured
this path leads into the unknown
where am I headed?
who am I following?

each step I take
I take in faith
though I can't see you
you lead me on this journey

surrender

i know who i am
when I sit at Your feet



outline me again
(i fear i've faded)

ella

you are so fragile and beautiful
innocent and utterly helpless
you'll laugh easy
and cry easier
you wait to be held
and loved

we don't know who you will become
it doesnt matter,
you are precious
and
we already love you

closure

you were beautiful
you were like a shadow
showing me the path of the sun
i was afraid to step into your shade
and feel

i was too silent
but you warmed my heart
when you were near

you are still beautiful
a broken dream not forgotten

but

I know now
you are only a shadow
because of His brilliance


and His love will lead me elsewhere
(if there is one, you aren't him)

these sins
i write in pen
by candlelight

you still my hand
and whisper
"my righteousness"

you cannot find it

be careful
where you
leave your
heart.

fear of man

i listened
you spoke of fear
and idolatry
you broke my soul
with repentance
i knew your displeasure
and your mercy
tears you drew forth
in recognition
that i have sinned
against you alone
what is man,
that I fear him?
what is man,
that I lust
for his approval?
what is man,
that I revere him?
break this yoke
destroy this stronghold
I can't do this without your strength

each day that comes

sing me to sleep
ill trust in you
each day that comes
is brand new

my heart may fail
my lungs may seize
each day that comes
ill give you praise

you pull me close
with every star
each day that comes
you are not far

the sun will set
night will reign
each day that comes
you bear my pain

ill try to serve
with all i am
each day that comes
i learn i can

break my world
like shattered glass
each day that comes
you fix my mess

i am not whole
I feel so small
each day that comes
ill heed your call

(each day that comes,
help me to trust in you.)

i am your

i am your daughter
i am your beloved
your treasure

you are my father
you are my first love
my king

thank you

you are
starlight
a shooting star
shining across
my sky

when you fade
I can gaze in awe
at the stars

reaching but not reached

am i a leader
going out to meet
but never being met
going to speak
but not spoken to
going out to love
but not loved
going out to sow
but not grow
pursuing you
but not being pursued
looking for
but never being sought
serving
never being served
longing for
but not acquiring
reaching for hands
that won't reach back
unless I reach first
and always
continuously reaching
is this what it means
to be a leader?
or is this,

fear

a day at the beach

Today my friends and I took on the hour long drive through the open country-side to the beach town of Port Dover. The ride up was rather uneventful, but driving through those country roads was peaceful, surreal (like we were far away from our stifling suburbs) and truly felt like the stereotypical summer road trip. We blasted summer favorites like the Beach Boys, rolled down the windows, and sung along as the wind whipped our hair and the sun warmed. We drove by the sign of the Six Nations Reserve, which prompted a little debate about the natives and their rights. Of course, it was a passing debate among friends with little knowledge on the subject, but left me with the gnawing feeling that change needs to happen. Despite the solemn topic, the ride was enjoyable and went by quickly.

Arriving at Port Dover at about 11 o clock , we were able to grab an enviable spot by a tree a little ways down the beach. The sand was hot on our feet and we quickly ran to the shade despite being burdened with several coolers, beach umbrellas and other beach gear. It didn't take long for the food to be passed around, and to discover that we had only two bottles of water amongst the four of us (which was resolved later by buying ice tea). We laid out our towels and preceded to get comfortable, digging our feet into the cool sand beneath the tree.

After a bit of eating and talking, my friend and I walked to the shore, taking in the gray blue water flecked with white foam and rolling with gentle waves. Far out in the distance where the water met the clear horizon, white sail boats seemed to float lazily across a glass edge.

We stepped over the dark,green seaweed-plugged water that lapped against the sand, and sunk into the rather murky lake water, going out far enough that the water bobbed against our denim shorts. The lake breeze, clear sky, fierce sun and cool water were both a soothing and invigorating touch that cleared any worries swimming around our minds. We talked and laughed, mostly about cultures and languages, completely lost in the calm haze. And yet, even then the gentle waves that rolled out from the larger waves made me uneasy.

As we made our way back towards the shore, the ripples of sand beneath our feet had us marveling that nature could display such a perfect and hidden pattern, and I silently praised God for his intricate creation.

Returning to our spot we plopped down; our feet hanging off our towels as they were coated with a thin layer of crusty sand. We basked in the sun for a good couple of hours - the shade had wandered off to a more desired location.

When the heat finally became too much, we changed into our bathing suits and headed back out to the lake. The water was startlingly cold against our sun-kissed skin as we swam deeper.

At first, the waves were small and fun, but it soon became apparent that my friends wanted to go farther. Although we weren't by any means that far out , the waves rolling toward us seemed to loom threateningly above me and I found myself unrealistically afraid. I felt like a child caught alone in a storm, and each wave made my stomach tighten and my heart anxious. Unbidden, thoughts of drowning and a feeling of being helplessly out of control seized me. My friends drifted a few feet ahead of me, but it was enough to make me feel alone. The only thing keeping me from returning to land was embarrassment. I tried to rejoin my friends, but the waves pushed me back. Although I could hear them clearly, I was unable to focus on my friends conversation and easy laughter, as my heart and mind were filled with each wave that came and went.

And then I prayed.

Lord, please grant me peace of mind, protect us and help me to trust in you!

Immediately, my heart lightened, my mind cleared and the waves became quite friendly. My friends drew near and we laughed and talked as we bobbed along with each wave. Peace settled quite snugly in my soul and the waves were suddenly unimportant, a mere backdrop to our conversation.

Later that evening, a storm rolled in and we were forced to leave the beach. We drove home in the rain as I contemplated fear and peace, anxiety and trust.
Fixing my eyes on Christ sheds light on seemingly dark and deep waters that are actually quite shallow and insignificant. I pray that all areas of my life are illuminated with the light and truth of Christ.

i am yours

my heart burns within me
longing and passion
lonely and sighing
for a watered-down love
for a reflection of you
whom can I share my heart with?
whom can I trust my life with?
I want to love
and be loved
my heart is besieged
a passionate tempest
threatening to eclipse my thoughts of you
yet i know
somewhere in the deepest part of me
only you can have me
only you can know me
only you can still me
only you can love
this heart that runs astray
as often as the wind blows.
I am yours.

sow for the harvest

I want to love you until my heart spills out, overflowing and empty
I want to serve you until my feet are weary, broken yet whole
I want to obey you until I am full of joy, weary but laughing
I want to see you set free
I want to see you whole
I want to see you planted in His grace and mercy
I want all of this,
But I must sow for a harvest
The ground is tough and unbroken
Years of oppression have taken their toll
I fear my arms will break and my smile will fade
Before the work is done
You break me with every word you say,
The work does not seem to match the wages
I am defensive, frustrated, angry
Will you not move an inch?
I must sow for a harvest
But my heart is hard
You expect too much,
But I must submit
Give me the heart of a servant
I must sow for a harvest,
No matter the cost

broken

discipline
is always uncomfortable
i resist and avoid it
until it breaks me
like a cracked clay vessel
flowers springing from every crevice
broken, but beautiful

Lord, you are

Lord, you are more precious than silver

I hide my heart in you

you whisper, "you are my beloved"

my whole being I entrust to you

you make my paths straight

and lead me near green meadows and streams of living water

you are the most precious pearl

i will forsake all to have you

Lord, you are more costly than gold

I cannot count your worth

but i can count the cost i'll pay

to simply know you more

everything I am,

I will give to you

the more I die,

the more i'll live

to bring glory to you on earth

Lord, you are more beautiful than diamonds

your majesty glitters in the sky

you woo my heart with your beauty

and I am amazed that you know me

you are perfect in every way

i am far from perfect; you love me

your grace will always take my breath away

Lord, nothing I desire compares with you

you are above all else

when I often go astray,

you draw me back

you remind me that you are my first love

and you quiet my spirit

I will be still,

and know that you alone

are God.

you are my strength

what does it mean,

to be fearless?

what does it mean,

to be bold?

what does it mean,

to be free?

you

if my heart ached less, I wouldn't know You
if I wasn't empty, I wouldn't seek you
if i wasn't broken, I wouldn't trust you
you fill all the parts of me,
that were made for you
this worthless heart,
is yours forever
(increase my love)

He loves you still

Before you could walk, before you understood what it meant to be, before you knew who you were, you were told that you were not loved. You didn't understand at the time, you didn't know what you were missing, how could you?- a loving mother, a guiding father, a hug or kiss when you were scared or lonely. A doting parent when you screamed and cried. Already then, your innocence was locked up and hidden in a place where noone could hurt you.

And yet, He loved you then. You didn't know, He knew you.

Before you saw your first graduation, before you understood what it meant to be, before you knew who you were, you were told you were not loved. You didn't know what you had done wrong (in fact, you did nothing), you didn't know why, they didn't say. A harsh word, an unmerciful anger that came and went like a storm. You often cried, I saw you.
In your innocence, you craved love-you didn't know how to get it. You did your best...it wasn't enough.

And yet, He loved you then. You didn't know, He knew you.

Before your first car, before you knew what it meant to be, before you knew who you were, you were told you were not loved. It was never said in words- your soul became imprinted.The neglectful acts ringing in your ears, clamping over your heart. You were "worthless", I watched you. That place, where your innocence was hidden-was filled with anger. Broken and calloused over, bitterness and apathy sunk into your bones. That black tube became your refuge. You ached inside, I knew, though you hid it well. Why try, why care...it wasn't enough.

And yet, He loved you then. You didn't know, He knew you.

You still don't know what it means to be. You still don't know who you are. You still believe that you aren't loved. That black tube...its engulfed you alone.You're lost, and your demons haunt you.

And yet, He loves you still. You don't know, He knows you.

You are enough,

You are loved.

Awake me

Look, on this shelf is my collection.
Proof of my conviction,
Words, ideas, sentiments.
Hidden in a dusty book called fear and apathy
They're treasured from a distance.
See how they glitter underneath the dust.
How I love them.

In the Morning

In the morning,
I feel the gentle tug on my heart
To stop and remember
That you are god and that,
I am your beloved.
I whisper your name,
It carries on the wind
And surrounds me.

Community

Light and water
Softly Falling
Pools and ripples
Of grace,
You reflect me
In my brokenness
I reflect you
Our sins,
Spoken
Our hearts,
One

What can I do but praise you?

You revealed to me the brilliance of the stars.
You showed me the wonder of a dew drop clung to a tree.
You opened my eyes to the embrace of the wind, and the serenity of a windless day. You spoke to me on the bank of a lake, shrouded in mist and a beautiful sunrise.
You blessed me with conversations, late into the night, filled with depth and laughter.
You awoke in me a wonder and delight in your creation, guiding me towards your everlasting love.
Your majesty was revealedto me in the form of a mighty mountain, draped with snow as white as you have made my scarlet sins.
You showed me what was in my own heart, and breathed into me life. You awoke me from the dust, and clothed me with joy for what you have made.
You revealed to me Your heart for the broken, and Your heart for the oppressed, and Your deep pain for all your lost children.
You opened my eyes to the sacredness of life, and how precious and wondrous each child is, those that your hands have knit together.
You gave me words of encouragement when I did not know what to say.
You encouraged me with your love when I was on the brink of despair.
You cradled me in Your arms when faced with parting with a loved one, and gently reminded me that I would see them once again.
You blessed me with love beyond words in the form of a humble friend.
You have carried me through the deserts, to the place where flowers bloom.
And you whisper, softly in to my heart, again and again.
You whisper that I am beautiful, even when I don't feel like it.
You whisper that You are with me, when I feel abandoned, and lonely.
You whisper that you have redeemed me, when I begin to condemn myself.
You whisper that You have much more, when I begin to settle.
You whisper, "look to me," when my heart runs astray, and the things of this world cloud my vision.
And you whisper to me, again and again, over and over, as much as I need it, "I love you."
And even now, you whisper, "don't be afraid, but trust in Me. I am your everlasting Father." And my heart sighs.
What can I do but praise You?
What can I do but say, "Your love endures forever?"
The answer to every question in my heart, in my life, is satisfied by your unfailing, humbling love.
Thank you, for everything.

memories

in the swirling images of my memory
you dance
sneaking out when I least expect
you twirl and fly
every heartbeat
the music to your fading rhythm

A Million Miles And More Away

A million miles and more away from the quiet, lofty suburbs of a Southern Ontario city, a small child picks her way through a trail of garbage, humming a happy tune as she walks. In truth, she doesn’t pick her way, but rather plunges through the rusted cans, soiled papers, and chaffed wood as if her tiny bare feet are invincible, her braids bouncing along with each small step. If she could, she might take a path less littered, but in her village all paths are alike. Surrounded by beautiful green mountains and rolling hills, the sun wrapping the land in a warm velvety blanket, the riches of nature belie the poverty in which she finds her home. Making her way along the dirt path, she smells the refuse before she see’s it: a tall mountain of junk, garbage and ash, rising from the middle of a dirt clearing, rising to meet a billowing cloud of smoke that obscures a patch of the blue sky. Her lungs breathe in the burning stench, but she continues on her way, unconcerned, humming and remembering her early morning and the walk to her one-room school.

The dirt floor of her home was cold and comforting; but she woke while the sun still slept and the air was cool and wet. She rose early to feed the chickens, scattering their seed across the ground as they clucked and cawed; rejoicing at their simple innocence, she giggled. Splashing her face with murky water, she relieved herself behind her home, hidden away by the green foliage. Flies buzzed around her but she barely noticed them; they were as much a part of her as her dark olive skin.

Her mother called her,

“Seiyi! Come!”

She rushed around the back of their home; a small hut composed of slanted sheets of rusted metal and planks of wood, to find her mother sitting on the dirt floor. Her mother’s skin was dark and weathered, as if her face had been carved from the bark of a tree, but her eyes were kind and filled with light. Her mother’s rough hands pushed a dry lump into her own soft, tiny hands.

“I have a piece of bread for you, here. Quickly now, the sun is already awake.”

Seiyi took the small piece of dry bread greedily, knowing that bread was a rare and precious treat. It was dry and hard to chew but it was the most delicious thing she had ever tasted. She was too young to notice that her mother had taken no bread for herself. Her mother quickly hugged her and gently pushed her forward,

“Grow strong, my bonita.”

Seiyi set off down the dirt road, facing the glare of the sun as it rose and reflected off the roofs of similar small huts. As she walked, other children began to join her, giggling and bare foot, somber and silent, some carrying small bags, some playing with broken sticks. She walked by men in trousers with broad shoulders, shielding their eyes against the sun and smiling at the children as they walked by. Women heaped with dirty wash bustled about, fires were lit, dogs barked, the low rumbling of an occasional truck or motorcycle rising among the sounds of a small village and its early morning. The children walked for an indistinguishable amount of time, the sun blaring down, their little feet trapping through garbage and dirty water, many with grumbling stomachs, passing through villages other than their own. Seiyi watched as a little boy with a tuft of black hair pulled hard on the braid of another child. The little girl shrieked; her dark eyes over spilling with tears that glistened like dew on her plump cheeks. The children stopped and watched as a village woman scolded the young boy, her hand on her hip and her voice stern. He looked down and shuffled his feet, ashamedly muttering, “Sorry,” and tentatively raised his head. The woman planted a gentle kiss on his cheek and hugged the little girl whose tears were already dried and forgotten. The children laughed and whooped, and the long trek towards the school continued...

Seiyi paused a long the garbage-littered path that led to her home and thought over the incident with the children. The village woman had not known them, but Seiyi knew that it hadn’t mattered. The children she walked with were her brothers and sisters, the men and women she passed by were her mother and father. They belonged to each other. It wasn’t something that she was taught, but it was the way they lived; a quiet respect and deep love for one another that surpassed all boundaries, uniting them all as neighbors and friends. Of course, Seiyi could not put this into words, but she felt it like she felt the heat of the sun. Smiling, Seiyi ran down the dirt path towards her small shack, and into her mother’s arms.

A million miles and more away from an impoverished village where the sun is strong and the hunger fierce, a cold wind blows through a suburban street. Tall, white houses with grand windows that shine with the warm glow of a crystal chandelier rise on either side, house after house; perfect and the same. The street is quiet and empty of children, the dusk calm. If one was to listen hard enough, the low buzz of televisions, the blaring sound of iPods too loud, and the collective music of fingers fiercely typing might be heard rising together in a symphony- the only connection among a city of strangers.

lightning

Your eyes are like lightning
They snap and burn with life
Turn away
Or be struck
Look
Or be devastated
Maybe I am too afraid?
You mirror all of my hoped for fears