ella

you are so fragile and beautiful
innocent and utterly helpless
you'll laugh easy
and cry easier
you wait to be held
and loved

we don't know who you will become
it doesnt matter,
you are precious
and
we already love you

closure

you were beautiful
you were like a shadow
showing me the path of the sun
i was afraid to step into your shade
and feel

i was too silent
but you warmed my heart
when you were near

you are still beautiful
a broken dream not forgotten

but

I know now
you are only a shadow
because of His brilliance


and His love will lead me elsewhere
(if there is one, you aren't him)

these sins
i write in pen
by candlelight

you still my hand
and whisper
"my righteousness"

you cannot find it

be careful
where you
leave your
heart.

fear of man

i listened
you spoke of fear
and idolatry
you broke my soul
with repentance
i knew your displeasure
and your mercy
tears you drew forth
in recognition
that i have sinned
against you alone
what is man,
that I fear him?
what is man,
that I lust
for his approval?
what is man,
that I revere him?
break this yoke
destroy this stronghold
I can't do this without your strength

each day that comes

sing me to sleep
ill trust in you
each day that comes
is brand new

my heart may fail
my lungs may seize
each day that comes
ill give you praise

you pull me close
with every star
each day that comes
you are not far

the sun will set
night will reign
each day that comes
you bear my pain

ill try to serve
with all i am
each day that comes
i learn i can

break my world
like shattered glass
each day that comes
you fix my mess

i am not whole
I feel so small
each day that comes
ill heed your call

(each day that comes,
help me to trust in you.)

i am your

i am your daughter
i am your beloved
your treasure

you are my father
you are my first love
my king

thank you

you are
starlight
a shooting star
shining across
my sky

when you fade
I can gaze in awe
at the stars

reaching but not reached

am i a leader
going out to meet
but never being met
going to speak
but not spoken to
going out to love
but not loved
going out to sow
but not grow
pursuing you
but not being pursued
looking for
but never being sought
serving
never being served
longing for
but not acquiring
reaching for hands
that won't reach back
unless I reach first
and always
continuously reaching
is this what it means
to be a leader?
or is this,

fear

a day at the beach

Today my friends and I took on the hour long drive through the open country-side to the beach town of Port Dover. The ride up was rather uneventful, but driving through those country roads was peaceful, surreal (like we were far away from our stifling suburbs) and truly felt like the stereotypical summer road trip. We blasted summer favorites like the Beach Boys, rolled down the windows, and sung along as the wind whipped our hair and the sun warmed. We drove by the sign of the Six Nations Reserve, which prompted a little debate about the natives and their rights. Of course, it was a passing debate among friends with little knowledge on the subject, but left me with the gnawing feeling that change needs to happen. Despite the solemn topic, the ride was enjoyable and went by quickly.

Arriving at Port Dover at about 11 o clock , we were able to grab an enviable spot by a tree a little ways down the beach. The sand was hot on our feet and we quickly ran to the shade despite being burdened with several coolers, beach umbrellas and other beach gear. It didn't take long for the food to be passed around, and to discover that we had only two bottles of water amongst the four of us (which was resolved later by buying ice tea). We laid out our towels and preceded to get comfortable, digging our feet into the cool sand beneath the tree.

After a bit of eating and talking, my friend and I walked to the shore, taking in the gray blue water flecked with white foam and rolling with gentle waves. Far out in the distance where the water met the clear horizon, white sail boats seemed to float lazily across a glass edge.

We stepped over the dark,green seaweed-plugged water that lapped against the sand, and sunk into the rather murky lake water, going out far enough that the water bobbed against our denim shorts. The lake breeze, clear sky, fierce sun and cool water were both a soothing and invigorating touch that cleared any worries swimming around our minds. We talked and laughed, mostly about cultures and languages, completely lost in the calm haze. And yet, even then the gentle waves that rolled out from the larger waves made me uneasy.

As we made our way back towards the shore, the ripples of sand beneath our feet had us marveling that nature could display such a perfect and hidden pattern, and I silently praised God for his intricate creation.

Returning to our spot we plopped down; our feet hanging off our towels as they were coated with a thin layer of crusty sand. We basked in the sun for a good couple of hours - the shade had wandered off to a more desired location.

When the heat finally became too much, we changed into our bathing suits and headed back out to the lake. The water was startlingly cold against our sun-kissed skin as we swam deeper.

At first, the waves were small and fun, but it soon became apparent that my friends wanted to go farther. Although we weren't by any means that far out , the waves rolling toward us seemed to loom threateningly above me and I found myself unrealistically afraid. I felt like a child caught alone in a storm, and each wave made my stomach tighten and my heart anxious. Unbidden, thoughts of drowning and a feeling of being helplessly out of control seized me. My friends drifted a few feet ahead of me, but it was enough to make me feel alone. The only thing keeping me from returning to land was embarrassment. I tried to rejoin my friends, but the waves pushed me back. Although I could hear them clearly, I was unable to focus on my friends conversation and easy laughter, as my heart and mind were filled with each wave that came and went.

And then I prayed.

Lord, please grant me peace of mind, protect us and help me to trust in you!

Immediately, my heart lightened, my mind cleared and the waves became quite friendly. My friends drew near and we laughed and talked as we bobbed along with each wave. Peace settled quite snugly in my soul and the waves were suddenly unimportant, a mere backdrop to our conversation.

Later that evening, a storm rolled in and we were forced to leave the beach. We drove home in the rain as I contemplated fear and peace, anxiety and trust.
Fixing my eyes on Christ sheds light on seemingly dark and deep waters that are actually quite shallow and insignificant. I pray that all areas of my life are illuminated with the light and truth of Christ.

i am yours

my heart burns within me
longing and passion
lonely and sighing
for a watered-down love
for a reflection of you
whom can I share my heart with?
whom can I trust my life with?
I want to love
and be loved
my heart is besieged
a passionate tempest
threatening to eclipse my thoughts of you
yet i know
somewhere in the deepest part of me
only you can have me
only you can know me
only you can still me
only you can love
this heart that runs astray
as often as the wind blows.
I am yours.

sow for the harvest

I want to love you until my heart spills out, overflowing and empty
I want to serve you until my feet are weary, broken yet whole
I want to obey you until I am full of joy, weary but laughing
I want to see you set free
I want to see you whole
I want to see you planted in His grace and mercy
I want all of this,
But I must sow for a harvest
The ground is tough and unbroken
Years of oppression have taken their toll
I fear my arms will break and my smile will fade
Before the work is done
You break me with every word you say,
The work does not seem to match the wages
I am defensive, frustrated, angry
Will you not move an inch?
I must sow for a harvest
But my heart is hard
You expect too much,
But I must submit
Give me the heart of a servant
I must sow for a harvest,
No matter the cost

broken

discipline
is always uncomfortable
i resist and avoid it
until it breaks me
like a cracked clay vessel
flowers springing from every crevice
broken, but beautiful