Thursday, July 17, 2014

Don't tell me that I am beautiful

I am not the kind of girl 
that expects a lot of things
I'm not the kind of girl
who craves diamond rings
I'm not the kind of girl
that gets mad easily
I'm not the kind of girl 
that will love blindly 


I'm the kind of girl
that expects honor and devotion
I won't be toyed with or treated like a token
If you can't keep your eyes only on me
then you'd better be sure
that I will set you free. 

Don't tell me that I am beautiful
Don't say you love my smile
If you don't plan to keep
my company for a long while.

Don't whisper your sweet nothings
Don't say you miss me tons
Don't try and steal my heart 
if, I'm not your only one. 

Sunday, January 16, 2011

The heart of the matter....

there's a fire in my soul
to love the unloved
to guide the lost
to rescue the oppressed
to set free the captive
to stand against injustice
in a world that is pervaded
by brokenness

where the world is hurting
I want to be healing
I have to be
because You call me there
my heart is continuously being broken
by what breaks Yours
because that is where...
I will most deeply know You.

let this fire never go out
I pray my heart will never turn hard
I pray I will never, ever be a bystander to someone's pain.
I pray that in my fortune I will never forget those that are suffering and unloved.
I cannot be ignorant and comfortable. 

This brokenness extends to my family, and myself.
I am a major work in progress...but I trust and cling to Jesus' promise of redemption.
His grace draws me to the firm belief that He is the only hope and the only way.
I fall short, but HE is mighty to save! I am a sinner in need of grace.. but He loves me yet!
I pray that through Jesus I will love and serve as a lifestyle...not as a once a month donation, or a once a year trip. I need to think less of myself, and more of Him...and of His heart for the broken and oppressed.

May these not be mere words.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


will be

Sunday, November 28, 2010

last week, 
I learned some things
that I wish
I never knew. 

I wish that
this world was
the way you 
are making it 
to be 
one day. 

(no evil
no tears
no pain 
no loneliness
no families
being torn apart)

until then, 
we can only wait.
I can only move forward
and trust
that you are stronger
then the things 
that make me

Like all things, 
in this too, 
I will trust in you. 
Thank You, 
for being here. 

Friday, November 12, 2010

steady in your gaze of love

cleanse my heart and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love
wrap my sins in Your gossamer grace
strong as steel I'll trust your will
even when I'm weak and so afraid
I'll kneel before you
and accept the price
cleanse my mind and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love
you walked the path of calvary
you died and wreathed a crown of thorns
who am I that you bled for me?
a love so strong it broke our chains
a love so strong it saved even me
cleanse my soul and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love
increase my faith, increase my fear
increase my love and draw me near
guide my gaze to always be
forever locked on you, my King
cleanse my body and hold me close

steady in Your gaze of love.

Friday, October 22, 2010


I awoke
with a broken

suddenly too
of the broken
I live in

my parents
do not know Christ

my brothers
my sister
my friends
do not follow Christ

and I live like
this is not
a life or death

my soul aches
because of You

continue to
replace this heart of
with a heart of

Continue to
break my heart
for what

I want
to see them healed
I want
to see them joyful
I want
to see them living
with a purpose
no longer like
lost sheep
with no

no longer

from the
and open
their eyes
to know
much they

help me
a seed
the labour

through You
is possible

I will trust

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


what is it about,
sharing our hearts
laughing at nothing
and everything
confiding our secrets
and deepest sins,
and giving advice
holding back our
to wipe the tears of
each other,
and finding ourselves
healed in the process
to see past
the mask
and love regardless
knowing that
we are all broken
and in need of a
in need of
in need of

what is it about
that points me
the all surpassing
of Christ?

Monday, October 18, 2010

peace is,
your soft, gentle weight in my arms

joy is,
watching you smile as you sleep

love is,
this longing to see you grow strong

Saturday, October 16, 2010


knots in my stomach
sweat on my palms
heart quickened
I feel so vulnerable
I feel so self-aware
with downcast eyes
I feel unable to

what will it take
for me
to be set free?
I hate this.






Sunday, October 10, 2010

reckless trust

I feel
like I need to let go
of so much that I am
holding on to
to surrender all
and sit at your feet
give me the strength
to survive on
you alone
give me the courage
to go where you
call me
I long to trust you

Biggest ramble...possibly ever?

Well, I'm taking a break from the whole poetry thing...theres been so much going on in my life lately that I really just want to write it all out plain and simple. Oh, where to begin! I am in danger of rambling, read at your own peril!

My sister recently gave birth to the most precious and beautiful baby I've ever seen (though I miiiiight be biased :P) and Ella (the baby) has effectively turned our lives upside down. I was sick while my sister was in labour and was thus unable to be at the hospital. I didn't meet my niece until 3 days later and everyone else had already met her. On top of that, nobody told me she was coming home (actually they told me that she wasn't coming!) so when I came home last sunday I was very surprised to see my sister! I think I must've been in shock, because when I held Ella..I couldn't believe it and felt like my heart would burst with amazement (needless to say I cried!). She truly is beautiful! She steals time though haha...I could hold her all day (and I do!) and consequently I normally don't get in anything else productive ;)!

I was timid to hold her as she seemed very breakable, but I've learned  that I don't need to be so hesitant.
I was singing to her while she was sleeping the other day-and she started smiling! Babies are amazing and, it goes without saying, hard work! But undeniably worth it.

You steal the sun
and it shows in your smile
you steal the stars
and they shine in your eyes
you're like a flower
thats waiting to bloom
we will protect you
as you unfurl your

(couldn't resist :D)

My father also discovered that he had a tumor on his bladder. It was a rocky time as we didn't know if he had cancer, and weren't able to know until he went into for surgery and had it removed. By the grace of God his surgery went well and his tumor was not cancerous. It was a tough time for my dad regardless though.

In other news, I'm in grade 12. I know-it's crazy! I don't believe it.
I actually have to figure out my future. I feel like its not entirely fair that we have to choose our life away so quickly. Although I knew I would have to decide on what to do after highschool, I naively thought, haha or stupidly thought, that I wouldn't have to choose until near the end of the year! But, unfortunately I have to choose within the next 2 months!!!!!!!

And, I don't feel particularily pulled in any direction. I know in the core of my being that I need to do something that involves directly working with, loving, serving, and caring for women and children. The problem is that there is so many ways I could do that, and I need to pick one.

I've always been considering nursing-but because I chickened out of 4U Chemistry, my only option is to do 2 years of practical nursing at Mohawk, and then bridge into the nursing degree program at Mcmaster for three years (so a total of 5 years). I don't really have a problem with that, except that I'm not sure if thats what I should do.

I am also very interested in Peace and Conflict Studies, Human Rights, Asian Studies, and learning other languages etc. The University of Ottawa, besides having the awesome city as a major pull factor-has a really cool Human Rights-ish program.

Urgh, I don't know. I just want to serve and love. Do I need a university degree to do that?

Not to mention, I've found myself in a really tight financial situation.

Near the end of the summer I got a job at Wendy's. I got the job because my mom had been really pressuring me to get a job. Although my summer was generally okay, it was definetly a time where God was molding me. I'm not sure if He succeeded (which would not be His fault!) but the commandment "Honour your mother and father" was a huge struggle for me, and something that strengthened my faith greatly.

At the beginning of the summer, I didn't have a job,and consequently spent a lot of time at home.
(Although I did apply for jobs at the beginning, I didn't get a call until August.) I really wanted to use my summer in an intentional way to build relationships with my friends (particularily from youth group because I knew thats where I would be investing my time) and deepen my intimacy with Christ. I asked God to use my summer towards this end. I started to spend time with God every day, but felt particularily convicted to actually take Jesus' words seriously. I felt, I suppose, that I needed to not take obedience lightly.

I guess it bothered my mom that I was spending time at home without having a job, so she began pressuring me to get one while making me do work at home. She wanted me to clean every day while she was at work, so she could come home to a clean house. I admit that it was a real struggle for me- I felt like she was being unfair and unreasonable...and it was hard for me to keep a good attitude. I wanted to honour God but when the actual time came, I often did not do so. I would clean most of the house, only to have my mom come home and not only not awknowledge my work, but also demand more. Two weeks before my moms 50th birthday party, she gave me a list of housework that she wanted done by then. It was about 19 hours of work (by my calculations) and involved things like washing all the baseboards, cleaning out the cupboards, vacuuming and washing all the floors, organizng the fridges, scrubbing out the cupboards etc. I had a really hard time with that. And whether I was in the wrong or not, I cried a lot and didn't have a good attitude.
But even so, I felt a really strong sense that God wanted me to submit and obey, and I did my best in His strength to do so. Eventually I was saved from doing all that work because I recieved a call from Wendys.
I really did not want to take the job as it was the end of the summer and I hadn't been planing on working during the school year, but I didn't want things to continue on at home as they were either. So i took it.

The people and managers were awesome-the first time I've actually felt cared about by a manager, but working til 11 on school nights was killing me. I don't know if I am weak or lazy or what, but the next day I was always so drained-sometimes to the point where my hands would shake and I couldn't really function!
I knew I needed to quit if I wanted my marks to be good enough for scholarships, but I was weary of my parents. I prayed about it and sought advice from wise friends, and decided to write out a proposal to my parents on why I needed to quit, and how I could still pay them  back the money I owed them (600$) through  giving them a portion of the money I would make tutoring a friend of mine once a week until next June. Although they gave me permission to quit, they also decided that they wanted me to pay back the money I owed them as soon as possible. This meant that although I could quit my job, I would have no money whatsover for about 4 or 5 months.

I wanted to honour both my parents and God, and my role as a student, so I agreed. I figured that most of my needs would be met by my parents, and that I could live without money for a while.

Then my stepdad discovered that he had been accidentally putting 100$ into my account every few months or so for years. I had no idea, and had three jobs over the time I had the account so I always assumed the money in my account was mine.

Even though I didn't do anything wrong, my parents decided that because of that they would no longer pay for anything for me-even if related to school. I have no idea how I am going to pay for applying to university..or university for that matter...or anything! I won't be able to attend youth events or school trips that require money.

Even so, I am trusting that God will provide. And I also wonder if I'm being selfish and greedy in thinking that this is unfair. Eitherway, I know that my God is faithful and that in all this He has a purpose.

In defence of my parents though-things are tight for them finanically as well.
My real father was laid off and is just scraping by and will probably have to sell his house, my stepdad has put more money into his buisness than we actually have, and my mom is the only one bringing in money. In an nutshell, we are in debt.

I feel really unsure of my future as I have no real idea of where I am headed.
But I am sure of my God that loves me and that has good and perfect plans for my life.
I want to love and serve Him no matter what my circumstances are.
In times of doubt I will cling to His promises.

This is an entirely too long blog post..but it happened :P!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

as I look out
at the world
I observe
that love
is like a
with branches
that stretch to the sky
and roots
that pierce the deep

the leaves begin
to fall
and winters
breath is cold

yet love remains

Sunday, October 3, 2010


breathe in
breathe out

you are soft like a cloud
precious as a pearl
perfect as can be
tiny and gentle

reach out
with a small hand
to the world outside
we are there
we love you

breathe in
breathe out

and sleep

Thursday, September 23, 2010

love in the hard places

even in the deserts
flowers bloom
a little water
a little sun

you only need
one flower
for more
to spring up
and dance
in the wind

sow a seed

beauty grows
even in
the most
unrelenting places