Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
steady in your gaze of love
steady in Your gaze of love
wrap my sins in Your gossamer grace
strong as steel I'll trust your will
even when I'm weak and so afraid
I'll kneel before you
and accept the price
cleanse my mind and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love
you walked the path of calvary
you died and wreathed a crown of thorns
who am I that you bled for me?
a love so strong it broke our chains
a love so strong it saved even me
cleanse my soul and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love
increase my faith, increase my fear
increase my love and draw me near
guide my gaze to always be
forever locked on you, my King
cleanse my body and hold me close
steady in Your gaze of love.
Friday, October 22, 2010
brokenness
I awoke
with a broken
heart
suddenly too
aware
of the broken
home
I live in
my parents
do not know Christ
my brothers
my sister
my friends
do not follow Christ
and I live like
this is not
a life or death
decision
Lord
my soul aches
because of You
Please,
continue to
replace this heart of
stone
with a heart of
flesh
Continue to
break my heart
for what
breaks
yours
I want
to see them healed
I want
to see them joyful
I want
to see them living
with a purpose
no longer like
lost sheep
with no
shepherd
no longer
broken
and
raging
and
fearful
and
lost
please,
awaken
them
from the
dust
and open
their eyes
to know
how
much they
need
you.
Lord,
help me
to
sow
a seed
even
when
the labour
is
hard
and
long
through You
everything
is possible
and
I will trust
in
you.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
authentic
sharing our hearts
laughing at nothing
and everything
confiding our secrets
and deepest sins,
and giving advice
holding back our
tears
to wipe the tears of
each other,
and finding ourselves
healed in the process
to see past
the mask
and love regardless
knowing that
we are all broken
and in need of a
hug,
in need of
grace,
in need of
truth
what is it about
this
that points me
to
the all surpassing
love
of Christ?
Monday, October 18, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
nerves
sweat on my palms
heart quickened
I feel so vulnerable
I feel so self-aware
with downcast eyes
I feel unable to
breathe
what will it take
for me
to be set free?
I hate this.
change
to
trust
fear
to
faith
comfort
to
courage
the
change
that
breaks
us...
the
change
that
molds
us...
the
change
that
sets
us
free.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
reckless trust
like I need to let go
of so much that I am
holding on to
to surrender all
and sit at your feet
give me the strength
to survive on
you alone
give me the courage
to go where you
call me
I long to trust you
recklessly
Biggest ramble...possibly ever?
My sister recently gave birth to the most precious and beautiful baby I've ever seen (though I miiiiight be biased :P) and Ella (the baby) has effectively turned our lives upside down. I was sick while my sister was in labour and was thus unable to be at the hospital. I didn't meet my niece until 3 days later and everyone else had already met her. On top of that, nobody told me she was coming home (actually they told me that she wasn't coming!) so when I came home last sunday I was very surprised to see my sister! I think I must've been in shock, because when I held Ella..I couldn't believe it and felt like my heart would burst with amazement (needless to say I cried!). She truly is beautiful! She steals time though haha...I could hold her all day (and I do!) and consequently I normally don't get in anything else productive ;)!
I was timid to hold her as she seemed very breakable, but I've learned that I don't need to be so hesitant.
I was singing to her while she was sleeping the other day-and she started smiling! Babies are amazing and, it goes without saying, hard work! But undeniably worth it.
You steal the sun
and it shows in your smile
you steal the stars
and they shine in your eyes
you're like a flower
thats waiting to bloom
we will protect you
as you unfurl your
wings
(couldn't resist :D)
My father also discovered that he had a tumor on his bladder. It was a rocky time as we didn't know if he had cancer, and weren't able to know until he went into for surgery and had it removed. By the grace of God his surgery went well and his tumor was not cancerous. It was a tough time for my dad regardless though.
In other news, I'm in grade 12. I know-it's crazy! I don't believe it.
I actually have to figure out my future. I feel like its not entirely fair that we have to choose our life away so quickly. Although I knew I would have to decide on what to do after highschool, I naively thought, haha or stupidly thought, that I wouldn't have to choose until near the end of the year! But, unfortunately I have to choose within the next 2 months!!!!!!!
And, I don't feel particularily pulled in any direction. I know in the core of my being that I need to do something that involves directly working with, loving, serving, and caring for women and children. The problem is that there is so many ways I could do that, and I need to pick one.
I've always been considering nursing-but because I chickened out of 4U Chemistry, my only option is to do 2 years of practical nursing at Mohawk, and then bridge into the nursing degree program at Mcmaster for three years (so a total of 5 years). I don't really have a problem with that, except that I'm not sure if thats what I should do.
I am also very interested in Peace and Conflict Studies, Human Rights, Asian Studies, and learning other languages etc. The University of Ottawa, besides having the awesome city as a major pull factor-has a really cool Human Rights-ish program.
Urgh, I don't know. I just want to serve and love. Do I need a university degree to do that?
Not to mention, I've found myself in a really tight financial situation.
Near the end of the summer I got a job at Wendy's. I got the job because my mom had been really pressuring me to get a job. Although my summer was generally okay, it was definetly a time where God was molding me. I'm not sure if He succeeded (which would not be His fault!) but the commandment "Honour your mother and father" was a huge struggle for me, and something that strengthened my faith greatly.
At the beginning of the summer, I didn't have a job,and consequently spent a lot of time at home.
(Although I did apply for jobs at the beginning, I didn't get a call until August.) I really wanted to use my summer in an intentional way to build relationships with my friends (particularily from youth group because I knew thats where I would be investing my time) and deepen my intimacy with Christ. I asked God to use my summer towards this end. I started to spend time with God every day, but felt particularily convicted to actually take Jesus' words seriously. I felt, I suppose, that I needed to not take obedience lightly.
I guess it bothered my mom that I was spending time at home without having a job, so she began pressuring me to get one while making me do work at home. She wanted me to clean every day while she was at work, so she could come home to a clean house. I admit that it was a real struggle for me- I felt like she was being unfair and unreasonable...and it was hard for me to keep a good attitude. I wanted to honour God but when the actual time came, I often did not do so. I would clean most of the house, only to have my mom come home and not only not awknowledge my work, but also demand more. Two weeks before my moms 50th birthday party, she gave me a list of housework that she wanted done by then. It was about 19 hours of work (by my calculations) and involved things like washing all the baseboards, cleaning out the cupboards, vacuuming and washing all the floors, organizng the fridges, scrubbing out the cupboards etc. I had a really hard time with that. And whether I was in the wrong or not, I cried a lot and didn't have a good attitude.
But even so, I felt a really strong sense that God wanted me to submit and obey, and I did my best in His strength to do so. Eventually I was saved from doing all that work because I recieved a call from Wendys.
I really did not want to take the job as it was the end of the summer and I hadn't been planing on working during the school year, but I didn't want things to continue on at home as they were either. So i took it.
The people and managers were awesome-the first time I've actually felt cared about by a manager, but working til 11 on school nights was killing me. I don't know if I am weak or lazy or what, but the next day I was always so drained-sometimes to the point where my hands would shake and I couldn't really function!
I knew I needed to quit if I wanted my marks to be good enough for scholarships, but I was weary of my parents. I prayed about it and sought advice from wise friends, and decided to write out a proposal to my parents on why I needed to quit, and how I could still pay them back the money I owed them (600$) through giving them a portion of the money I would make tutoring a friend of mine once a week until next June. Although they gave me permission to quit, they also decided that they wanted me to pay back the money I owed them as soon as possible. This meant that although I could quit my job, I would have no money whatsover for about 4 or 5 months.
I wanted to honour both my parents and God, and my role as a student, so I agreed. I figured that most of my needs would be met by my parents, and that I could live without money for a while.
Then my stepdad discovered that he had been accidentally putting 100$ into my account every few months or so for years. I had no idea, and had three jobs over the time I had the account so I always assumed the money in my account was mine.
Even though I didn't do anything wrong, my parents decided that because of that they would no longer pay for anything for me-even if related to school. I have no idea how I am going to pay for applying to university..or university for that matter...or anything! I won't be able to attend youth events or school trips that require money.
Even so, I am trusting that God will provide. And I also wonder if I'm being selfish and greedy in thinking that this is unfair. Eitherway, I know that my God is faithful and that in all this He has a purpose.
In defence of my parents though-things are tight for them finanically as well.
My real father was laid off and is just scraping by and will probably have to sell his house, my stepdad has put more money into his buisness than we actually have, and my mom is the only one bringing in money. In an nutshell, we are in debt.
I feel really unsure of my future as I have no real idea of where I am headed.
But I am sure of my God that loves me and that has good and perfect plans for my life.
I want to love and serve Him no matter what my circumstances are.
In times of doubt I will cling to His promises.
This is an entirely too long blog post..but it happened :P!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
ella
breathe out
you are soft like a cloud
precious as a pearl
perfect as can be
tiny and gentle
reach out
with a small hand
to the world outside
we are there
we love you
breathe in
breathe out
and sleep
Thursday, September 23, 2010
love in the hard places
flowers bloom
a little water
a little sun
you only need
one flower
for more
to spring up
and dance
in the wind
sow a seed
and
love
beauty grows
even in
the most
unrelenting places
Monday, September 20, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
light in the dark
its dark
inside
and yet,
outside
the stars
seem to shine
so much
brighter.
Monday, September 13, 2010
favorite
at everything
growing so wild
and faithfully beneath
the sky
and wonder
why we are the one
terrible
part of creation
privileged
to refuse our flowering
- David Whyte
"The Sun"
Sunday, September 12, 2010
invisible chains
you wait
you know what is to come
its happened too many times
to count
the days and nights blur together
no escape
no hope
a little boy with curly hair
he calls you "mama,"
he runs across the dirt floor
into your open arms
you hold his thin body
a breath before the storm
the darkness presses in
you feel the marks and pain
but
you don't see your naked body
memories flash before
your tired eyes
you tell him
"I'll be back"
working far away
is a small price to pay
for his life
a small price to pay
for hope
they promised
us a better life
resigned to your fate
empty and numb
you no longer feel
anything
as
heavy footsteps echo nearer
and you break your face
into a weary smile
you knew you would be working
but
not like this
not this way
you are paraded and priced
a human with a tag
measured and humiliated
beaten and raped
the door creaks open
you scream and fight until they break you
you're blinded by the sudden stream of light
heavy footsteps approach your dirty mattress
they show you a
recent picture of your son
all plans for escape are forgotten
you press inside yourself,
you clear your mind,
you harden your heart
you tear your soul,
you are forgotten,
worthless,
something to be used
and tossed,
traumatized
and empty
you are only nineteen
but you feel as if you've lived
a thousand endless years
as you look up into the eyes
of one of the countless number of
men that will
rape you
you smile and beckon
you have to
who will set you free?
who will heal you?
who will fix the damage that has been done?who will love you?
who will break your invisible chains?
"I will," He whispers.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
who am I
Sunday, September 5, 2010
you sleep on cold, hard ground
innocent and broken
dirty hands and easy smile
you don't know how to read
you've never been to school
you've been hurt, used, exploited
you've known nothing else
do you know that you are loved?
half across the globe
your picture flashes on our screens
your pain exploited once again
in the hope of rescue
if it breaks our hearts, will we help you?
you're half across the globe
you're half across this town
James 1:27
26-27Anyone who sets himself up as "religious" by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world.
John 14:18
18I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.
ill give you
all my dreams and hopes
everything I hold on to
[this is the time to change
this is the time to surrender
this is the time to let go]
ill open up my hands
& drop all these empty jars
to reach out to You
for a better hope
journey
im blinded by the light
where am I headed?
who am I following?
the road is long and weary
the signposts seem obscured
this path leads into the unknown
where am I headed?
who am I following?
each step I take
I take in faith
though I can't see you
you lead me on this journey
Friday, September 3, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
ella
innocent and utterly helpless
you'll laugh easy
and cry easier
you wait to be held
and loved
we don't know who you will become
it doesnt matter,
you are precious
and
we already love you
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
closure
you were like a shadow
showing me the path of the sun
i was afraid to step into your shade
and feel
i was too silent
but you warmed my heart
when you were near
you are still beautiful
a broken dream not forgotten
but
I know now
you are only a shadow
because of His brilliance
and His love will lead me elsewhere
(if there is one, you aren't him)
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
fear of man
you spoke of fear
and idolatry
you broke my soul
with repentance
i knew your displeasure
and your mercy
tears you drew forth
in recognition
that i have sinned
against you alone
what is man,
that I fear him?
what is man,
that I lust
for his approval?
what is man,
that I revere him?
break this yoke
destroy this stronghold
I can't do this without your strength
Sunday, August 15, 2010
each day that comes
ill trust in you
each day that comes
is brand new
my heart may fail
my lungs may seize
each day that comes
ill give you praise
you pull me close
with every star
each day that comes
you are not far
the sun will set
night will reign
each day that comes
you bear my pain
ill try to serve
with all i am
each day that comes
i learn i can
break my world
like shattered glass
each day that comes
you fix my mess
i am not whole
I feel so small
each day that comes
ill heed your call
(each day that comes,
help me to trust in you.)
i am your
i am your beloved
your treasure
you are my father
you are my first love
my king
Friday, August 13, 2010
thank you
starlight
a shooting star
shining across
my sky
when you fade
I can gaze in awe
at the stars
Sunday, August 8, 2010
reaching but not reached
going out to meet
but never being met
going to speak
but not spoken to
going out to love
but not loved
going out to sow
but not grow
pursuing you
but not being pursued
looking for
but never being sought
serving
never being served
longing for
but not acquiring
reaching for hands
that won't reach back
unless I reach first
and always
continuously reaching
is this what it means
to be a leader?
or is this,
fear
Friday, August 6, 2010
a day at the beach
Arriving at Port Dover at about 11 o clock , we were able to grab an enviable spot by a tree a little ways down the beach. The sand was hot on our feet and we quickly ran to the shade despite being burdened with several coolers, beach umbrellas and other beach gear. It didn't take long for the food to be passed around, and to discover that we had only two bottles of water amongst the four of us (which was resolved later by buying ice tea). We laid out our towels and preceded to get comfortable, digging our feet into the cool sand beneath the tree.
After a bit of eating and talking, my friend and I walked to the shore, taking in the gray blue water flecked with white foam and rolling with gentle waves. Far out in the distance where the water met the clear horizon, white sail boats seemed to float lazily across a glass edge.
We stepped over the dark,green seaweed-plugged water that lapped against the sand, and sunk into the rather murky lake water, going out far enough that the water bobbed against our denim shorts. The lake breeze, clear sky, fierce sun and cool water were both a soothing and invigorating touch that cleared any worries swimming around our minds. We talked and laughed, mostly about cultures and languages, completely lost in the calm haze. And yet, even then the gentle waves that rolled out from the larger waves made me uneasy.
As we made our way back towards the shore, the ripples of sand beneath our feet had us marveling that nature could display such a perfect and hidden pattern, and I silently praised God for his intricate creation.
Returning to our spot we plopped down; our feet hanging off our towels as they were coated with a thin layer of crusty sand. We basked in the sun for a good couple of hours - the shade had wandered off to a more desired location.
When the heat finally became too much, we changed into our bathing suits and headed back out to the lake. The water was startlingly cold against our sun-kissed skin as we swam deeper.
At first, the waves were small and fun, but it soon became apparent that my friends wanted to go farther. Although we weren't by any means that far out , the waves rolling toward us seemed to loom threateningly above me and I found myself unrealistically afraid. I felt like a child caught alone in a storm, and each wave made my stomach tighten and my heart anxious. Unbidden, thoughts of drowning and a feeling of being helplessly out of control seized me. My friends drifted a few feet ahead of me, but it was enough to make me feel alone. The only thing keeping me from returning to land was embarrassment. I tried to rejoin my friends, but the waves pushed me back. Although I could hear them clearly, I was unable to focus on my friends conversation and easy laughter, as my heart and mind were filled with each wave that came and went.
And then I prayed.
Lord, please grant me peace of mind, protect us and help me to trust in you!
Immediately, my heart lightened, my mind cleared and the waves became quite friendly. My friends drew near and we laughed and talked as we bobbed along with each wave. Peace settled quite snugly in my soul and the waves were suddenly unimportant, a mere backdrop to our conversation.
Later that evening, a storm rolled in and we were forced to leave the beach. We drove home in the rain as I contemplated fear and peace, anxiety and trust.
Fixing my eyes on Christ sheds light on seemingly dark and deep waters that are actually quite shallow and insignificant. I pray that all areas of my life are illuminated with the light and truth of Christ.
i am yours
longing and passion
lonely and sighing
for a watered-down love
for a reflection of you
whom can I share my heart with?
whom can I trust my life with?
I want to love
and be loved
my heart is besieged
a passionate tempest
threatening to eclipse my thoughts of you
yet i know
somewhere in the deepest part of me
only you can have me
only you can know me
only you can still me
only you can love
this heart that runs astray
as often as the wind blows.
I am yours.
Monday, August 2, 2010
sow for the harvest
I want to serve you until my feet are weary, broken yet whole
I want to obey you until I am full of joy, weary but laughing
I want to see you set free
I want to see you whole
I want to see you planted in His grace and mercy
I want all of this,
But I must sow for a harvest
The ground is tough and unbroken
Years of oppression have taken their toll
I fear my arms will break and my smile will fade
Before the work is done
You break me with every word you say,
The work does not seem to match the wages
I am defensive, frustrated, angry
Will you not move an inch?
I must sow for a harvest
But my heart is hard
You expect too much,
But I must submit
Give me the heart of a servant
I must sow for a harvest,
No matter the cost
broken
is always uncomfortable
i resist and avoid it
until it breaks me
like a cracked clay vessel
flowers springing from every crevice
broken, but beautiful
Friday, July 23, 2010
Lord, you are
you are my strength
Sunday, July 18, 2010
you
if I wasn't empty, I wouldn't seek you
if i wasn't broken, I wouldn't trust you
you fill all the parts of me,
that were made for you
this worthless heart,
is yours forever
(increase my love)
Saturday, July 17, 2010
He loves you still
And yet, He loved you then. You didn't know, He knew you.
Before you saw your first graduation, before you understood what it meant to be, before you knew who you were, you were told you were not loved. You didn't know what you had done wrong (in fact, you did nothing), you didn't know why, they didn't say. A harsh word, an unmerciful anger that came and went like a storm. You often cried, I saw you.
In your innocence, you craved love-you didn't know how to get it. You did your best...it wasn't enough.
And yet, He loved you then. You didn't know, He knew you.
Before your first car, before you knew what it meant to be, before you knew who you were, you were told you were not loved. It was never said in words- your soul became imprinted.The neglectful acts ringing in your ears, clamping over your heart. You were "worthless", I watched you. That place, where your innocence was hidden-was filled with anger. Broken and calloused over, bitterness and apathy sunk into your bones. That black tube became your refuge. You ached inside, I knew, though you hid it well. Why try, why care...it wasn't enough.
And yet, He loved you then. You didn't know, He knew you.
You still don't know what it means to be. You still don't know who you are. You still believe that you aren't loved. That black tube...its engulfed you alone.You're lost, and your demons haunt you.
And yet, He loves you still. You don't know, He knows you.
You are enough,
You are loved.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Awake me
Proof of my conviction,
Words, ideas, sentiments.
Hidden in a dusty book called fear and apathy
They're treasured from a distance.
See how they glitter underneath the dust.
How I love them.
In the Morning
I feel the gentle tug on my heart
To stop and remember
That you are god and that,
I am your beloved.
I whisper your name,
It carries on the wind
And surrounds me.
Community
Softly Falling
Pools and ripples
Of grace,
You reflect me
In my brokenness
I reflect you
Our sins,
Spoken
Our hearts,
One
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
What can I do but praise you?
You showed me the wonder of a dew drop clung to a tree.
You opened my eyes to the embrace of the wind, and the serenity of a windless day. You spoke to me on the bank of a lake, shrouded in mist and a beautiful sunrise.
You blessed me with conversations, late into the night, filled with depth and laughter.
You awoke in me a wonder and delight in your creation, guiding me towards your everlasting love.
Your majesty was revealedto me in the form of a mighty mountain, draped with snow as white as you have made my scarlet sins.
You showed me what was in my own heart, and breathed into me life. You awoke me from the dust, and clothed me with joy for what you have made.
You revealed to me Your heart for the broken, and Your heart for the oppressed, and Your deep pain for all your lost children.
You opened my eyes to the sacredness of life, and how precious and wondrous each child is, those that your hands have knit together.
You gave me words of encouragement when I did not know what to say.
You encouraged me with your love when I was on the brink of despair.
You cradled me in Your arms when faced with parting with a loved one, and gently reminded me that I would see them once again.
You blessed me with love beyond words in the form of a humble friend.
You have carried me through the deserts, to the place where flowers bloom.
And you whisper, softly in to my heart, again and again.
You whisper that I am beautiful, even when I don't feel like it.
You whisper that You are with me, when I feel abandoned, and lonely.
You whisper that you have redeemed me, when I begin to condemn myself.
You whisper that You have much more, when I begin to settle.
You whisper, "look to me," when my heart runs astray, and the things of this world cloud my vision.
And you whisper to me, again and again, over and over, as much as I need it, "I love you."
And even now, you whisper, "don't be afraid, but trust in Me. I am your everlasting Father." And my heart sighs.
What can I do but praise You?
What can I do but say, "Your love endures forever?"
The answer to every question in my heart, in my life, is satisfied by your unfailing, humbling love.
Thank you, for everything.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
memories
you dance
sneaking out when I least expect
you twirl and fly
every heartbeat
the music to your fading rhythm
A Million Miles And More Away
“Seiyi! Come!”
“I have a piece of bread for you, here. Quickly now, the sun is already awake.”
“Grow strong, my bonita.”
Saturday, May 15, 2010
lightning
They snap and burn with life
Turn away
Or be struck
Look
Or be devastated
Maybe I am too afraid?
You mirror all of my hoped for fears