Well, I'm taking a break from the whole poetry thing...theres been so much going on in my life lately that I really just want to write it all out plain and simple. Oh, where to begin! I am in danger of rambling, read at your own peril!
My sister recently gave birth to the most precious and beautiful baby I've ever seen (though I miiiiight be biased :P) and Ella (the baby) has effectively turned our lives upside down. I was sick while my sister was in labour and was thus unable to be at the hospital. I didn't meet my niece until 3 days later and everyone else had already met her. On top of that, nobody told me she was coming home (actually they told me that she wasn't coming!) so when I came home last sunday I was very surprised to see my sister! I think I must've been in shock, because when I held Ella..I couldn't believe it and felt like my heart would burst with amazement (needless to say I cried!). She truly is beautiful! She steals time though haha...I could hold her all day (and I do!) and consequently I normally don't get in anything else productive ;)!
I was timid to hold her as she seemed very breakable, but I've learned that I don't need to be so hesitant.
I was singing to her while she was sleeping the other day-and she started smiling! Babies are amazing and, it goes without saying, hard work! But undeniably worth it.
You steal the sun
and it shows in your smile
you steal the stars
and they shine in your eyes
you're like a flower
thats waiting to bloom
we will protect you
as you unfurl your
wings
(couldn't resist :D)
My father also discovered that he had a tumor on his bladder. It was a rocky time as we didn't know if he had cancer, and weren't able to know until he went into for surgery and had it removed. By the grace of God his surgery went well and his tumor was not cancerous. It was a tough time for my dad regardless though.
In other news, I'm in grade 12. I know-it's crazy! I don't believe it.
I actually have to figure out my future. I feel like its not entirely fair that we have to choose our life away so quickly. Although I knew I would have to decide on what to do after highschool, I naively thought, haha or stupidly thought, that I wouldn't have to choose until near the end of the year! But, unfortunately I have to choose within the next 2 months!!!!!!!
And, I don't feel particularily pulled in any direction. I know in the core of my being that I need to do something that involves directly working with, loving, serving, and caring for women and children. The problem is that there is so many ways I could do that, and I need to pick one.
I've always been considering nursing-but because I chickened out of 4U Chemistry, my only option is to do 2 years of practical nursing at Mohawk, and then bridge into the nursing degree program at Mcmaster for three years (so a total of 5 years). I don't really have a problem with that, except that I'm not sure if thats what I should do.
I am also very interested in Peace and Conflict Studies, Human Rights, Asian Studies, and learning other languages etc. The University of Ottawa, besides having the awesome city as a major pull factor-has a really cool Human Rights-ish program.
Urgh, I don't know. I just want to serve and love. Do I need a university degree to do that?
Not to mention, I've found myself in a really tight financial situation.
Near the end of the summer I got a job at Wendy's. I got the job because my mom had been really pressuring me to get a job. Although my summer was generally okay, it was definetly a time where God was molding me. I'm not sure if He succeeded (which would not be His fault!) but the commandment "Honour your mother and father" was a huge struggle for me, and something that strengthened my faith greatly.
At the beginning of the summer, I didn't have a job,and consequently spent a lot of time at home.
(Although I did apply for jobs at the beginning, I didn't get a call until August.) I really wanted to use my summer in an intentional way to build relationships with my friends (particularily from youth group because I knew thats where I would be investing my time) and deepen my intimacy with Christ. I asked God to use my summer towards this end. I started to spend time with God every day, but felt particularily convicted to actually take Jesus' words seriously. I felt, I suppose, that I needed to not take obedience lightly.
I guess it bothered my mom that I was spending time at home without having a job, so she began pressuring me to get one while making me do work at home. She wanted me to clean every day while she was at work, so she could come home to a clean house. I admit that it was a real struggle for me- I felt like she was being unfair and unreasonable...and it was hard for me to keep a good attitude. I wanted to honour God but when the actual time came, I often did not do so. I would clean most of the house, only to have my mom come home and not only not awknowledge my work, but also demand more. Two weeks before my moms 50th birthday party, she gave me a list of housework that she wanted done by then. It was about 19 hours of work (by my calculations) and involved things like washing all the baseboards, cleaning out the cupboards, vacuuming and washing all the floors, organizng the fridges, scrubbing out the cupboards etc. I had a really hard time with that. And whether I was in the wrong or not, I cried a lot and didn't have a good attitude.
But even so, I felt a really strong sense that God wanted me to submit and obey, and I did my best in His strength to do so. Eventually I was saved from doing all that work because I recieved a call from Wendys.
I really did not want to take the job as it was the end of the summer and I hadn't been planing on working during the school year, but I didn't want things to continue on at home as they were either. So i took it.
The people and managers were awesome-the first time I've actually felt cared about by a manager, but working til 11 on school nights was killing me. I don't know if I am weak or lazy or what, but the next day I was always so drained-sometimes to the point where my hands would shake and I couldn't really function!
I knew I needed to quit if I wanted my marks to be good enough for scholarships, but I was weary of my parents. I prayed about it and sought advice from wise friends, and decided to write out a proposal to my parents on why I needed to quit, and how I could still pay them back the money I owed them (600$) through giving them a portion of the money I would make tutoring a friend of mine once a week until next June. Although they gave me permission to quit, they also decided that they wanted me to pay back the money I owed them as soon as possible. This meant that although I could quit my job, I would have no money whatsover for about 4 or 5 months.
I wanted to honour both my parents and God, and my role as a student, so I agreed. I figured that most of my needs would be met by my parents, and that I could live without money for a while.
Then my stepdad discovered that he had been accidentally putting 100$ into my account every few months or so for years. I had no idea, and had three jobs over the time I had the account so I always assumed the money in my account was mine.
Even though I didn't do anything wrong, my parents decided that because of that they would no longer pay for anything for me-even if related to school. I have no idea how I am going to pay for applying to university..or university for that matter...or anything! I won't be able to attend youth events or school trips that require money.
Even so, I am trusting that God will provide. And I also wonder if I'm being selfish and greedy in thinking that this is unfair. Eitherway, I know that my God is faithful and that in all this He has a purpose.
In defence of my parents though-things are tight for them finanically as well.
My real father was laid off and is just scraping by and will probably have to sell his house, my stepdad has put more money into his buisness than we actually have, and my mom is the only one bringing in money. In an nutshell, we are in debt.
I feel really unsure of my future as I have no real idea of where I am headed.
But I am sure of my God that loves me and that has good and perfect plans for my life.
I want to love and serve Him no matter what my circumstances are.
In times of doubt I will cling to His promises.
This is an entirely too long blog post..but it happened :P!
